A New Song I Wrote

This song just fits my life right now:

Every time I try to walk on my own, I fall.
Every time I try to control my life,
I always lose control.
And everytime I try to do things my own way,
It never fails, I always fail.

So I will trust you Lord
With my life, each day.
I need You to lead me, Lord
Every step of the way.
I will close my eyes
and take Your hand.
I follow You blindly, Lord.
You know the way for me.

I don't need to see what lies ahead,
as long as You are in control.
I don't need for man to understand,
why I would blindly follow You.

How Much Am I Willing To Give Him

Chris and I have been seeking the Lord for some answers in a couple different ares in our life. Without going into a lot of detail just yet, let's just say that the Lord has been speaking to both of us (unbeknownst to each other) the same thing. Without knowing what the Lord has been putting on Chris' heart (and visa versa), I have been dealing with the same things on my heart. Basically what it boils down to is that God is asking us to make a huge sacrafice for Him. He's asking us to give up something that means a whole lot to both of us and our family. I can see a few very important reasons for this request, and without being able to see a clear picture of what will follow, I can clearly see that God has a purpose for everything that He asks of us. Anyway, I have been spending my past several days whining to the Lord about this request, and how much I don't want to obey, and I finally came to the conclusion that He is worthy of everything that I have. I keep saying that I am giving God all of me, and holding nothing back from Him. I was sot of hoping that He would take my word for it and not put me to the test in that, but I now have a great opportunity in front of me to prove to God that I truly mean it. Sometimes we have to let go of things in our life that we really love, and trust that God has a reason for everything that He does. Gosh it feels like I've been having to do that a lot lately. I am looking at this as just another big risk that I am going to take for the Lord, and it's another opportunity for Chris and I to step out of our comfort zone and rely completely on the guidance of the Lord....blindfolded, none the less. That always lands us in a better place in life that when we try to control our situations.

No Worries

It looks like Marsh is really wanting Chris back, now that they've sold the company, the crap hit the fan, and now they're restructuring everything. Chris would really like to go back now that there's job security and things are running differently. Soooo, it looks like his insurance will also be changing in the next month or two, if they finalize their negotiations with Chris (he's negotiating salary, seniority, etc. just to make the job switch worth his while). Because of this, I'm considering postponing my medical tests until his new insurance kicks in. Well, I was supposed to have my biopsy this earlier this week, and then it was postponed until next week (because of a scheduling conflict on the Dr.'s side). My doctor called me and said that all of my other tests have come back normal, so he doesn't think that it's a problem to do the biopsy after Chris' gets his new insurance. That is good news. So, just hearing that has helped relax me quite a bit. Really this biopsy is something that the Dr. always does before the procedure he wants to do. So, I feel more confident that there's not anything serious wrong with me (at least not physically lol). Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that it's not a big deal. Thanks for your prayers.

$75 To Drive To Work

Well, the good news is that I'm not hurt. Last Thursday I hit a patch of black ice on fotville pike, on my way to work. I fish-tailed and started sliding toward a telephone pole, so I imediately started screaming "God! God! God!" (into Andrea's ear, because I was talking to her on the phone, shame on me). Thankfully, the Lord really did a number and spared me. My car did a quick hard turn on it's own, and slid straight out into an open field. The worst problem I had was having to call a tow truck, because I was stuck. For the most part my car is fine (with the exception of some cracked plastic under the front end, no big deal), and I am unharmed. Thank the Lord I didn't hit that pole! When I started fishtailing, I knew I was going to go off the road, but I wasn't sure which side at first. On the other side of the road were a patch of trees, another telephone pole, and some houses, so I'm VERY grateful to have turned and slid off the other side into an open field. The tow truck cost me $75 big ones, but my insurance will reimburse me, so it's all good.

So, that was my little dramatic saga for the week. I know it's not a big deal to those who didn't experience that sharp adrenaline rush that I got that day (or the scare that I caused Andrea, who couldn't see what was going on when I screamed into her ear). All in all, I just thank God for taking care of me. This short-lived event could have had a completely different turnout, so I'm very thankful.

Well, I made it through

I was really having a hard time with the idea of turning 30. The good news is that it's all over. I'm officially no longer "20 something". Now I can move on with my life and just be who God made me to be. An annoying 30 year old who still thinks she's 19. I got the nicest card from my co-workers today. It said "Your face and body still looks 25, but there's something in your eyes that says 30. Tears, I believe it is called." Oh well, you can't stop time, and you sure can't control age.


I can say that God really gave me an amazing "20's" decade. Great times and the lowest possible moments. Every minute of my 20's became a great part of my testimony to God's love and goodness. I will never forget the hardest things that I have ever endured during my 20's, and how painful they were. The difference is that rather than feeling pain in those memories I feel so much joy and appreciation for God's goodness. Oh, how I never want to forget all that He has done for me! There have also been so many great memories to hold on to. Not all memories during that decade are linked with pain and loss.

God is so good, and I am even more excited to see the next decade unravel. God is really laying out an exciting path in my life. I just hope that it won't be as hard for me to turn 40.

Here are the lyrics to an old song I wrote a few years ago. I forgot about it, but I think the Lord dusted it off and reminded me of this. It really describes the way I am feeling right now:

When I think of everything You are to me
It makes me want to sing aloud
for all the world to hear of Your goodness, Lord
Hallelujah

If the sun should ever go down on me,
should my spirit start to fade,
I know that You will always make the sun
to rise again with life in me.

(chorus)
I know that You will always make the sun
to rise again so beautifully.
It makes me want to sing aloud for all the world
to hear of Your goodness.

When the autumn leaves fall to the ground
and the Earth's glory starts to fade,
I know that You will always make the sun
to rise again so beautifully
with life and glory on the Earth.

(chorus)
I know that You will always make the sun
to rise again so beautifully.
It makes me want to sing aloud for all the world
to hear of Your goodness.

the end



Basicly, no matter how dry and lifeless your seasons get, or how dark your days get, if you just wait on the Lord He has a brighter and more beautiful things to come next. The sun goes down every night, but God gives us back the sun each morning. Every autumn the leaves dry up and everything "dies" off... leading to the dry and lifeless, cold winter, but the Lord always brings the warmth of the sun back to us, bringing beautiful life to the world again in the Spring. When things start to feel discouraging, just wait on the Lord and He will bless you.

God makes us do hard things sometimes...

Every once in a while I get up enough nerve to ask the Lord to reveal the sin in my own heart, so that I can make things right with Him. Each time I do that, He never fails me. There is always something there that He decides to show me. This past week, I went and did it again, and sure enough God showed me a couple of things that He wanted me to clean out. One of them was my attitude about my music. He has really been convicting my heart about hiding from people out of the fear of rejection. Finally I stepped out and asked my brother to help me record a few of my worship songs to send to my cousin in Nashville. I feel relieved by that, and actually a little excited (but still a bit scared). The other thing that God revealed to me was even harder, though. As I mentioned in my previous blog, my tongue has been a weakness for me. God specifically told me that I have been using this "weapon" against another cousin who I love, by grumbling and complaining. That was hard for me, because I knew in my heart that I had grown cold toward her. So, I prayed and asked Him to forgive me, and told the Lord that I would change that situation. Assuming that the Lord would then simply forgive me, and then we could move on, I was mistaken. God finally had to say to me loud and clear that I haven't dealt with this until I have gone to this person and told her of my sin, asking her for forgiveness. OUCH! That is so hard to do! I finally was able to muster up the courage to call this woman and lay my heart out on the table, and ask her for forgiveness. I knew when I did this that I was risking the possible loss of respect from her, and putting our friendship on the line. Let's be honest here, I had already put our friendship on the line by not being respectful to her, and by allowing my attitude to turn hard. However, God had been a part of our conversation, and my cousin couldn't have been more merciful to me than she was that day. Not only did I feel like God had cleansed that area in my heart, but I was also able to see what a great work He has been doing in my cousin's heart. I saw such a maturity there. I haven't felt this free for a while now, and I'm so thankful for the hard things that God makes me do sometimes.


Opening your heart completely to God, and choosing not to hide things from Him can be a really scary thing, but it is also exactly what you need to grow into the mature individual that you're meant to become. God sometimes asks us to do things that are extreme and uncomfortable, but once you step out there and decide that it's more important to be obedient than to hide, you will feel more free than ever before. It's easy to hold things in our hearts and let them fester. I am really growing in the Lord and it hasn't been easy, but there's nothing in the world that I would rather hear than the words of my Father saying to me "Well done my good and faithful servant". The last thing on earth that I would want is to allow just one little dirty area in my heart to prevent me from hearing those words. The Lord puts us in difficult situations sometimes, but it's only because He wants us to continue to grow. I guess I'm willing to accept His "constructive critisism" (or in other words, conviction).

God bless you.